i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
