Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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