I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
