Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
