would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
