see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
