im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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