Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
