Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
