ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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