I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
