It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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