Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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