HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
