wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
As shirtless as possible
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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