If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
