you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
