his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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