I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Damn victory sex feels great
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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