You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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