My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
