Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
