I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
