Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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