He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
