textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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