your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You made out with two different species that night
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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