his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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