My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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