I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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