And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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