i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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