you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
