I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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