i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
