The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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