It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
