you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is it penis luge time yet?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
