cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
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just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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