so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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