my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
