bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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