Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
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Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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