U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
