I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
