last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
