Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
false alarm, still single
Randomize
