Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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