and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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