I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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