so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
