I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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