First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
