no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
