I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
