mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
