Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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